Making big mistakes

By Hattie Butterworth

Embarrassment can aid reflection. I am constantly embarrassed by things I say. Questions I ask people on the podcast, or details I confide in people I don’t know very well. Sometimes I voice an opinion before really thinking about it.

I upset my family sometimes when I share parts of my life that impacted them. It hurts our relationship and makes mental health an area that they know will bring up big conversations. I worry that being open could make things worse.

I don’t know how to separate my personal and professional life. I don’t know where to advocate for my needs and how much of my true self is acceptable. It’s easy to urge others to be whole and honest in all circumstances, but it often isn’t possible. It’s not always relevant.

I have felt really jealous of others with similar projects. Annoyed at people that reply to emails with an answer that I don’t like. I can get angry when I don’t get the support I believe my projects deserve. I undermine a lot of our morals when I place pressure, anxiety and work on others working with me. I book too many interviews and fail to fulfil them all. I don’t address how my actions might impact others.

Am I admitting all this to declare my innocence? To stroke my ego? Maybe. It feels like the right time to look away from the virtue signalling I inevitably do and say that I don’t like the person it makes me. I want to be more open to other viewpoints, ways of working and speeds of achievement. I don’t know everything and need others to help me see a broader perspective of the industry.

This project is about you and providing you with the knowledge of your importance through all the struggles you face. I will admit that sometimes I forget that. Sometimes I make it too much about me, my goals and sharing my story. I need reminding of why I started this beautiful community and taking accountability for the many mistakes I continue to make is part of that.

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