Not enough has changed since Diana told the world about her self-harm in 1995

CW: Conversations around self-harm and mentions of societal views around suicide

Of course I am watching the Crown. I am also seven months in recovery myself from self-harm. The two are related to Princess Diana’s ongoing struggle with self-harm, addressing it as part of the infamous 1995 BBC Panorama interview with Martin Bashir.

And how much has changed? It has been 25 years since the interview elapsed, but conversations around self-harm are still difficult to find. Confined to censored, darker corners of the internet, confessing a struggle with a messier and misunderstood side of mental illness remains severly stigmatised.

Diana in Halifax, Nova Scotia, June 1983

Diana’s struggle with self-harm

Diana spoke about her mental health problems with radical honesty, much to the detriment of her reputation within some circles. I recognise the context of her voicing mental suffering in the nineties, living as part of a family programmed to keep quiet. Diana’s reflection included how ‘no one ever discusses’ post-natal depression and self-harm. Things that musicians don’t talk about include both self-harm and depression, because, as Diana said, we are fearful about being labled as ‘unstable’.

But it’s her description of the motivations behind self-injury that struck a particular chord with me. Sufferers of harm behaviours will often find the motivation to do it difficult to explain. To have Diana’s words of understanding feels relieving: ‘When no one listens to you, or you feel no one's listening to you, all sorts of things start to happen. For instance you have so much pain inside yourself that you try and hurt yourself on the outside because you want help, but it's the wrong help you're asking for.’

Why I self-harmed

Feeling isolated was also a large part of my self-harm developing. I wanted help, but there was guilt because I was finally functioning and seemingly ‘recovered’ from the OCD illness that had dictated so much of my life for four years. When things feel out of control or confusing inside, injurious behaviour makes sense. It can create a feeling of complete clarity and peace, even, for a short amount of time.

Yet, self-harm is censored. It’ll be a small miracle if you are able to find and read this blog. It is fused with concerns around suicide and our society has taught it as something to fear and avoid, rather than approach, question and understand. Diana struggled with this before social media, but the internet perpetuates self-harm as a terrifying and almost criminal act performed by the ‘unstable’ through hiding it.

Isolation is a universal experience and one endured by musicians maybe even more frequently. Knowing where complex emotional pain, trauma and isolation can land us, speaking openly about self-harm and other addictions is something that we should feel is acceptable now in 2022, a whole 27 years since Diana’s interview in 95. But it’s still a real struggle.

Where to next?

Addiction is terrifying for the sufferer and their family/friends. Self-harm is one of the hardest habits, or addictions, to break because it feels so strangely productive. We convince ourselves that it doesn’t actually cause severe damage to our bodies, or that we don’t do it that often or that it’s completely ‘under control’ or (even) that we just do it for ‘fun’.

208 days and counting of recovery and sobriety from self-harm and I am still ashamed on one level. I wish I could feel proud, but I am branded with a (self-inflicted?) label of instability because of how society views harm. Yet I know I need to speak openly about it, thanking Diana as the pioneer in having these conversations about self-injury.

If I could speak to her now, I would say I wish more had changed. I wish that people of all ages, classes, genders and nationalities could feel able to voice their struggles with self-harm without fear of being avoided or feared.

Find resources for self harm here