For the Record: My musician-related OCD obsessions
By Hattie Butterworth
This work continues to lead me to fellow OCD sufferers and it has been one of the most healing experiences of my life - to know them, to hear them and to know that we share this world as sufferers of a terrifying and confusing condition.
Healing, recovery and reflection are happening as I think back over the music college years, back to Chets and even before that. Years as a small cellist with a big mental health problem. I’ve often explained how the cello saved me. I still believe that.
I think many of us would explain music to both aid and exacerbate our OCD experience. This paradox means that playing the cello would usually make me feel better, but mostly in isolation. Add the stress of performance or touring or relationship struggle and the cello very much made my OCD worse.
It is a gift that I know the cello to be a place of healing. Many obsessive loops are paused for brief moments when playing my cello, or playing the organ. There aren’t many other things to go to in deep, incessant mind pain. Playing the cello also gave a sense of normality during the episodes. The slow, dull vibrations calmed something within me.
Then there are times my OCD has made being a musician very impossible. The obsessions I would have about fainting in the middle of orchestra, or worrying about a certain hotel to be contaminated on tour, or the loud thoughts and ‘omens’ telling me that the performance would go terribly. The depression from living with brain battles impacts performing and the ability to connect with an audience, either musically or verbally.
I think it’s important to name the musician-related obsessions I’ve faced. I don’t know where people find it terribly helpful, but I know I am likely not alone in dealing with these things. Keeping intrusive thoughts silent allows them to hold a power over you, and loneliness is one of the most destructive parts of OCD.
Musician-related obsessions
Pre-performance - has someone poisoned this food prepared for us? How can I be sure?
Pre-performance - (on the train) can’t decide what seat to sit in - If I don’t find the perfect seat with the perfect view out the window, then I won’t relax and my anxiety will get worse on stage
Pre-performance - if I don’t practice for x amount of hours every day, then my performance will definitely be awful
Pre-performance - if I have a day off then I will have a massive memory slip
Mid performance - heightened senses - am I going crazy?
Mid performance - am I going to faint? What if I stop the performance?
Mid performance - someone playing a concerto - What if I shout out and ruin a quiet part of their performance?
In practice session - Did I just hear something? Am I going crazy?
In practice session - Replaying small fragments of music in my head for days
In cello lesson - call them a fucking xyz
In cello lesson - flash them. Imagine them naked
In teaching - is this child evil? Are they giving me bad luck?
In teaching - general murder obsessions about students - what if I kill them and forget about it?
In teaching - what if I become attracted to one of them? Am I a pedophile?
General/meta musician things - you will get MS like Jacqueline du Pre because people say you remind them of her
General/meta musician things - you will get schizophrenia if you practice too late (like the guy in the Soloist film)