The overall standard of applications for this vacancy was very high …

By Rebecca Toal

There’s a reason the word ‘rejection’ means to literally ‘throw back’. That hard landing doesn’t get easier the more you get catapulted back to square one (or what feels like square 0). Sometimes it hurts more.

When you have a permanent subscription to Imposter Syndrome & Self-Doubt, you can kind of understand when you get rejected from principal trumpet jobs. You didn’t really think you were going to get anything from it in the first place. You feel like you brought this cavern in your stomach upon yourself for applying for something so out of your league in the first place. But it’s when you get rejected from opportunities like graduate schemes, that you seem to get thrown back harder. You’ve summoned the self-belief to actually muster a few thoughts of “I might be in for a chance here. This would suit me perfectly.” and then you’re seemingly told that “no, you’re not right for this at all.” The feedback (if offered) is something vague like “don’t go sharp in the high register” or “nice musicality”, but you’re left feeling like there must be more than that. You lifted your whole self up, up and up, towards applying, recording a video, pressing submit, and waiting for the email. How could your rejection be apparently solely based on something so secondary to the passion and desperation that you poured into the music?

You want me to show you more personality? Let me choose my programme. I don’t want to play the Haydn. You want me to make fewer mistakes? Make auditions less stressful, and invest in musician mental wellbeing, right from the start. You want me to sound more like the person that just left the job? Ask them to stay, or widen your horizons.

It’s considered so obnoxious, so whiny to say this kind of thing. “It’s so competitive”, they say. “Better luck next time”. Or “aren’t you upset that your career doesn’t seem to be going anywhere?" says your parent’s tone of voice. But we do all feel it. Even the most level-headed musician isn’t immune to the adrenaline of a concert, of submitting an application, of a great rehearsal, and then the crushing emails or weary expressions of an audition panel. If you don’t put yourself through this emotional mountain range, you’re not trying hard enough. You want to make a career that doesn’t involve these highs and lows? Impossible.

And they wonder why we need to talk. “Put the music first”, they say.