What am I throwing away though?

Hattie Butterworth

The cello has a demanding care routine but mine hasn’t had a bow rehair for nearly 2 years. Then there’s my practice sessions: slippy play-throughs of messy sonatas and half-memorised concertos. It makes me laugh to see the result of letting it go.

Young people can fall into things. Arts, sport, acting and academics. We commit and then we are known as this- the cellist, the painter, the dancer, the tennis player. We feel complete when working towards our art and often have used it as an escape. I watched fast improvement through my teenage years, though grappling with strong emotions of comparison and wondering whether I’d ever feel good enough. Young people turn into older people but can still be judged next to the success of a teenage existence.

I remember being told about people like me. Those who left their instrument and did something else for a while. I was told that I didn’t want to end up like them. But now I am looking back to all those hours dedicated to intense practice and I am proud of who I was then. I was playing to survive through a complex sea of mental illness and confusion. I was lost and the cello found me and guided me through that time. I will be grateful for the rest of my life for that period of relative serenity.

So what is wasted talent? We speak of degrees, arts, careers and intelligence going to waste in search of anything else. Those that mourn our decisions to let go misunderstand. We are allowed to push, achieve and then move on.

If we believe that nothing is wasted in art, achievement on an instrument is not something we need to cling to. We have choice, freedom and the opportunity to incorporate the artist we were with the human we are moving towards becoming.

When there’s money involved it’s always complicated. People invest into you as a young musical person, but your peace of mind, fulfilment and creativity comes first. We often have to throw away talent in search of money, because our talent can’t earn us any money on its own. This is why I get angry at the ‘throwing away musical talent’ narrative. If our profession had the means to uphold the thousands of talented young musicians, it would make more sense to question why they move away.

I have experienced life as a musician, suffering terribly and experiencing near perfection making music with others. My life has already enjoyed so much vibrancy and this new time promises a different experience. I feel I have lost nothing through moving towards new things and I love my instrument for the solace it has brought to the rockiness of my life.